i said a couple days ago that this is Emrie's Cloth About Magic and it is. But i realize it is not FOR Emrie, but for All of us that will gather on that Hill in California. It's a Cloth for the human endeavor there, what will occur as it goes; getting there and then being there. It's a Cloth for the Hill itself that will receive us and what we bring to It. Being wide open to Magic will be the key. All the past(s) will be brought and Planted. Magic will grow us. Will grow the Life.
Only so many days now.
Throughout the days and nights i find self ~ off and on~ feeling almost overwhelmed by the not knowing and it is a waste of energy. Needing to work with that and work hard at that, i have found self going way back to when i was in Ann Arbor...same feeling but different circumstance. I studied meditation with a woman who was psychic, Cathy Florida. That's a long story but i came away with the most fundamental, Sanskrit, Soham. So.. the in breath, ham... the exhale. Soham. I am or I am that. It is said when a child comes into the universe, he/she cries by making the sound "Koham" to which the Universe replies back....Soham. The universe tells her "you are the same as I am".
This is what i am doing. Stopping, whenever that wasted energy begins and repeating this until i quiet then continuing the just going. It's Good. And last night i actually got up and Sat for some time...it was warm enough in the house for this, then fell into a sound sleep again, waking this morning to stand in front of this Cloth. Looking. Then walking over to the small scraps baskets. These arose.
were quickly placed and stitched without "thought", without hesitation. and this is how it will continue as this time goes along. First thing in the morning. without thought, without hesitation. Whatever arises. And then no "interpretation". Just what is. This Cloth will tell its own story.
he is getting back to his Before The Time Away self. Back to Stinky Baby. am working toward this. For the Trip. And talking with Alyssia just now, she reminds me, it's only just a day, this trip. Just one day. A loooooong day, but still. Just a day.
lilacs. Combine the fragrance of them with the scent of Sunny Ray....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
and then the ephemeral lilt of the Native Plum....and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee
and o and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....how the Native plum has taken hold of Place!!!!
they are Together now. Stitched.
the folded over flap. Under which, today, just for this moment, i put a piece from Jude...her Magic black and white, which i don't use because it's Her's.....but for today, i put it here, to Hold Place for what might need to be under the flap and then there's the Tassel made from many strands of floss that will need to be separated one from the other....slow going....but begun
the language of Magic which for me, is first visual and then sensory.
This is how the Creek taught me and how, that particular day, i understood i was being taught. It was the 7th year.
When i say the Creek, my Mother, i don't just mean the body of water that meandered and flowed, but everything around her. The trees, brush, plants, earth, rocks, sky, light of SUN and then her other children...all the creatures, including me.
there was an old tree that had fallen across the Creek. It had a bowl shaped indentation that my body fit into. I would lie on my stomach, my chin resting on her edge and just watch the water. The drawing here is very incorrect but it's the way it went...as if i were looking down from above at that 7 year old self. Proportion, perspective is way off but it's enough so you might get the drift? if you think of the tree as flat. not tilted.
I would go there and just lie on the body of the tree, chin resting at her edge and watch the water flow. Watch the reflection of the dappled sunlight through the leaves as they moved with the breeze. The sparkle. I don't remember having any thoughts or feelings. Just a watching, a sensing. it was like dreaming. This particular day, i first watched the reflected light and the things that would come along, floating, a leaf, a twig. Watched them come and watched them go along, how the pattern of the water changed with their movement. And then...i saw the shape and movement of a crayfish at the bottom on the sand and my vision shifted through the surface to the bottom and for some beautiful reason, i was aware of that shift....both of my eye's vision and my mind. I did this over and over, being fascinated by it and then it just progressed. I watched the surface, the water striders, the ripples they made and by shifting my attention i watched the algae that extended from the floor of the creek toward the surface. I watched the whirlygigs as they spun and then dove down with their perfect bubble of air through the algae then rising up. I let my gaze descend slowly through the layers of Life to watch the caddis fly nymphs with their stickandstone houses traipsing behind them as they scavenged the sandy bottom, minnows above in the middle of it all....Back UP, Back Down. Over and over and i was mesmerized by this. All the while the sound of birdsong, the feel of breeze in leaves and it was nothing less than total Magic. I had no words for this but it was ok, because i had no one to tell. This was every day for that whole summer.
it's called.....Emrie's Cloth About Magic
I worked Away today instead of the usual Monday. But i'd woken up with some raw thoughts. Stood in front of Emrie's Cloth and looked down, seeing this orange cloth from Deb Lacativa draped over a basket handle, waiting. You might remember it's been on and off the Wall for a while now, has been appealing, but also not colors i would easily use...there's pink in it. And it's an odd orange. I stared and then folded it over so there is a flap and pinned it....the combination of it and the FireFly cloth is, well....there is a tension. But a very interesting tension, pulled even more by the black/white/red thread beads. YES.
the thoughts i woke with were about all my i don't knows recently. My hesitance and even resistance to go any further with a lot of conversation. My hesitance and even resistance to answering and then making the effort to explain that would somehow demean something that is becoming more and more real in my life. The questions from my brother brought all this to the forefront, but really, it's a lot about my being asked about LEAVING. People say...an interesting number of them just bumped into like at the grocery or post office...people say...i hear you are leaving. A couple have said, I hear you are leaving to go babysit your grand children. To this last version i just say....Sort of.
and I woke thinking i need to sit with mySelf and come up with some kind of words that can tell the Truth of why i am leaving. and first, i need to articulate to my Self what that truth is. Leaving here is uncharacteristic of me.
so...this is an effort toward that. I hope it's ongoing. I'd like to get clear.
so having the morning tea before going to work, some thoughts came that might work
but then other stuff came that was more of a truth.
It started with i want to be a part of Them creating Their World. How my time is moving toward the ultimate end. I want to spend these years Working with them to create the world they will continue. Continue being Jenny and Alyssia, but their Continuing would also be creating a Beginning for Julian, Destiny, Emrie, and Fate. The Beginning of Julian, Destiny, Emrie and Fate in a rapidly changing world. I'd like to watch this Unfold and i'd like to PARTICIPATE in that unfolding. Add my two cents to it.
and i want to go so I can talk about Magic. Every day. As Part of the day. Like speaking my native language. Like speaking my Mother Tongue (Maria....). My Mother Tongue i learned from the woods and the creek of my childhood when that woods and creek were truly my Mother. The language was Magic. I'll talk tomorrow about what the creek taught me. and this language of Magic is the language of this Earth, this planet. Those stars that don't even need or want a name. it's the Magic of small softbodied brown beetles that become luminescent with LIGHT and transfigure everything by their innate urge to procreate.
And, if you are around them everyday, not just a vacation, if you are around them everyday, you can talk like this with children. They accept it as just your way of speech. and it becomes Ordinary to them. This is what i want. I want it to become ordinary to them, ordinary enough that they acquire as much of that language as they want to.
Art is Magic
Music is Magic
Leaves are Magic
Sky is Magic
Wind is Magic
Stone is Magic
Love is Magic
over night and early morning
and as i go with the thread beads, Magic teaches. How it comes to us if we ask, partners with us, some but is also Wild. Wild is the important part....and i got this far and just STOPPED.....
stopped. it was clear that something needed to be known, so i sat and looked and Asked. Leave the threads loose. Ok.
this much today. ok.
and back to the second pic....in the bottom, in the Bloom of the Night Flower and then less so in the top, near the Moon....i added some from the Inktense Pencil of Iron Blue. This is good.
i quit waiting to hear and just went to lay down in The Bed which Has No War Outside. Almost falling asleep and the PHONE RINGS.....
it went ok. the Amniocentesis is done. The ultrasound took over an hour. They were patient and waited and looked. They say nothing. NOTHING that looked different than a regular fetus swimming along in a uterus. She has all her parts. Nothing remarkable. She's regular. Just a regular Being.
So. it takes 2 weeks for the results of the Amniocentesis but we are DONE. Emrie. Whatever she's got or doesn't Got, she is coming. She is Just Going. and WE will Just Go. OK. and so much OK.
Off and on they worked on their Travel Journals. It was the agreement. Eli and his mother, the agreement for being out of school. I sat often on the porch listening to the exchange between them about what one writes in a travel journal. They were quite self sufficient, the parts of the trip when they were here, at the beginning and then at the end. They wondered if i wanted to go with them but i said no...unless it was important to them and it really wasn't. So they went around happily and i stayed here being me. Doing the RePlay in my mind this afternoon, i saw how quiet i've become. How i watch and listen and respond when things are directed to me but also seem to have lost all urge to entertain. Stuff is very plain and what i talk about is things like that Sky last night. We all watched and went back to see the final darkness with all the STARS, but then too, i was pretty quiet. How often i said "I don't know". I don't know the names of all those mountain ranges on the circular Rim. I don't know the names of those bright stars. I don't know the population of Socorro. I don't know in miles how far the Rio Grande River is from here. I don't know the number of the annual percipitation of places. and i didn't feel like i SHOULD know anything. I was ok with not knowing. and IT was ok that i didn't know.
so they have set out for Home.
Emrie's Magic FireFly cloth waited. Today i stitched. Tomorrow is the appointment for the Amniocentesis. Jenny and Alyssia will drive the distance to Sacramento to the place that does nothing but this. First they do their own ultrasound and if there are what they refer to as "markers", they will continue with the Amniocentesis. If not sufficient markers they will not. So it will be a great not knowing until decisions. And really, even after all, it might remain a not knowing. But we Go.
Yesterday, daughter Jenny, who will be Emrie's grandmother, went to the Goodwill in Chico and got her 6 "really great" sundresses. For good luck.
Today, just full. Full. of Everything.
Went to drop off the mouse and stopped by the mailbox.
From Saskia. Tales from the birdhut. Her March 6th Post about these small pillows.....when i saw them all together, i needed this one. Purchased... (Why do i say "purchased" when speaking about Art? I do that for nothing else....everything else, i want to BUY..Art i "purchase" ....like it's more polite than Buy?) Anyway, it arrived.
it's so amazing, always that you can see and feel the maker. I could see this small pillow anywhere in the world and i would recognize it as coming from her hand.
about a week before she posted about these, both daughter Jenny and Alyssia had asked me to think what was really important for me to be included in my little house on the Hill. Two things came to mind...a ceiling fan if possible and a windowsill. a single windowsill is fine. But i would love to have a windowsill. These metal homes like i live in, have lived in for the last 20 years, have no windowsills.
The top of the book shelf has served in its way as that but i won't have the bookshelves in the new place. So...a windowsill. And looking at the photographs of the small pillows on Saskia's blog, i immediately "SAW" this small pillow on the windowsill there. I saw it as a place where someone, anyone, might place a thought or a feeling they were considering or wondering about. A place for a thought or feeling to rest. and i thought of Destiny who has many things she considers. Maybe her. It's perfect. and i had the urge to try it out but then thought no...i will wait. I will set it on that windowsill and begin There.
My brother and his son return from Arizona any minute now and will leave for their train back to Minnesota on Tuesday i think. I look forward to hearing about their trip. The friend they visited works with horses as therapy beings.
this is a pic of one of the pages in a catalog for Fencing...Premier 1, Fences that Work that somehow arrived in my mailbox addressed to my daughter a couple weeks ago. It's just the Greatest catalog, full of kinds of fencing, but also just a lot of practical information about livestock, about deer and gardens, chickens and predators. On and on. But i love this pic. It's sheep. not Goats, but my imagination can shift it. And it's a hillside. very similar to the Hill. in the open space of the Hill. How the fencing meanders. not square, but meandering, like how browsing and foraging moves. And there is a RedBud tree....there are Native California Red Buds. OK.
Something we are finding, as a Difficult Surprise, to factor in to our imaginings is that there is a TON of Poison Oak on this land. As there is on most land there that is "abandoned". The most convenient way to rid land of Poison Oak is to Clear it. PO likes shaded areas, not sun. But the original thinking was to leave the Hill As IS. Wooded. Lots of bramble. Wild. But ok. for humans, not such a challenge...you learn what it looks like and stay away. For our animal family, different. Dogs can run and chase rabbits through the bramble and return with the oils from the PO on their fur. Goats, which will happily browse on PO with no harm to them, will carry those oils on their coats.
touching those dogs and Goats then is exposure. So. we need new and different thinking. We work on it. daily. lots of emails with links.
wild rose and Golden Current
there is Spring Cleaning of the Shelter side of the Albatross. Many. Many wheelbarrows full.
the Treasures of Travis and Everett. the beginning of that in the unused half of the Albatross. I looked at these today and there was a great tenderness. How all of us love what we love. They love these old and broken things. They have such an imagination for how things might go. To be a part of that....to offer and give that.......
Liz A commented about staying faithful to daily practice. and it struck a cord.
I went back in the Archives of this blog...seeing that it was April of 2010 and really, just before that but it was on blogspot and the entries there didn't all cross over, but close enough. Seven 7 years and i think yes. Of course. 7. My number. Seven. ok.
i remember in the beginning i wanted to document the Cloth Making with Jude and Spirit Cloth. I felt i needed to limit things to Cloth Making to be a legitimate blogger. I didn't know what being a legitimate blogger meant. New...i was new but so so enthusiastic. So sure of stuff.
Over time i know it's changed. Sometimes it's boring. Sometimes it's sad. A lot of it ISN"T about cloth, but Cloth is ALWAYS about what it is. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.
the daily practice. Like my buddhist practice. A going. It's all a Going. Life is a Going. day to day.
and i saw, on the April 7th, 2010 post, a pic of some of the "dolls". It was good. really good to see them there. Where i came FROM.